Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
