I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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