Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
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