we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
