I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
