Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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