Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
