She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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