So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
P.S. I can't hear my feet
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
