I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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