It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
