Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Randomize
