If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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