Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
