I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
