does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
