i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
