you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
