then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
