Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
