remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
So much Jack, so little girl.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Randomize
