i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Randomize
