I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I have aggressive nipples.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
