Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
