Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
