Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
