I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I think your dad took our porno
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
