i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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