I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
