i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
