if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
