last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
