god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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