Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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