Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
