I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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