my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize
