its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
