yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
