I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
