i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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