My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
