So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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