but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
