I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Randomize
