just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
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