I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
