my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
