I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
