Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
